This month is Mental Health Awareness Month. I’m someone who has experienced mental health issues and still deals with it. When I first dealth with this, I had no idea how important mental health is. You can read it in this blog post on my experience (https://missjasminesmith20.wixsite.com/southernlifeofjas/post/dealing-with-mental-health)
In college, I had a huge struggle trying to figure out who I am. This struggle started in 2014 (https://missjasminesmith20.wixsite.com/southernlifeofjas/post/what-is-the-best-loss-that-you-ever-experienced), but got worse by 2019. I was struggling from being two different people. When I was at school, I was my natural and normal self. But when I would return home every weekend, I wasn’t myself. I had to present myself as preppy, shoulders back, sit and talk proper kind of girl. I didn’t like being that person because she had to do that due to what she is. A preacher’s daughter.
At college when I would be myself, I would be much happier. I was much happier like that because when people saw me they just saw me as my natural self. I was a carefree, down-to-earth, fun, and chill person. People knew in college that I’m a preacher’s daughter, but they treated and saw me as just a regular person. I didn’t have as much worry on me.
When I would return home for the weekend, I sometimes didn’t like going out in public. Almost everyone in the entire area knows my family and I. Some people know way too much about us and will try anything to cause some type of attention. I felt that I had to keep my mouth shut and just be preppy. I didn’t like it. Plus, too many people ask too many questions trying to figure out what I was doing when I was away at college. I felt that if I said what I was doing in college, that my image could be ruined. The thing is that I didn’t do anything bad when I was in college. I was going to class, doing my assignments, studying for exams, going to organization meetings and/or working at events, and sometimes go to sporting events with my friends. I wasn’t doing any drugs, drinking, partying, or messing around in college. But that’s what people were possibly thinking.
Spring 2019 was when I was at my lowest. So much was going on around me that affected me mentally. I had things at home, school, and personal that just drained me so much. It was a really scary point in my life because I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I would cry over the simplest things. I was just miserable. I felt that I didn’t know who I was. It was like the Jasmine that I knew was never worried about her image or anything in the world was gone. I would pretend to be happy like there was nothing wrong with me every time I would go somewhere.
Eventually, I did get some help. I convinced myself to go to counseling on campus for help. I knew that the way I was feeling wasn’t normal and took a lot of energy away from me. It worked, I stayed going till I graduated college. Plus, I invested in a journal where I would just write my thoughts on anything that was bothering me on a mental level. It’s meant for my thoughts and my eyes only.
How long did it take me to find who I am? It took me till about spring 2020.
It took me just about a year to find me again. I found how smart I am. With the fact I graduated with a business degree, I learned how everything that is business and business-related is a game. Few may follow the rules while many love to cheat their way in the game of business.
I found how hardworking I am. I never realized how much of a hard worker I am. It took people who I know through the organizations I was a part of, telling me how much they like me being a harder worker. I just thought I was just doing what I do every day as my routine. I would some type of work for about a great amount of hours and still get up to 8-10 hours of sleep every night.
I found how creative I am. Not just DIYing things, but coming up with ideas. For my graduating semester of college, I was Director of Activities aka an event planner. My pride and joy was the first and last event I did which was a Holiday Movie Night. It took me and the team of people I was working with about 3 1/2 weeks to do. I was so happy with how it turned out and I had fun.
Every day I discover more and more things about myself. Right now, I much happier. I became more carefree about certain things in life. Yes, I still have my days, but it gets better as time goes on.