The pictures you see me post makes people think I have it all. Not really. The real me is someone who struggles, but manages to keep a smile on her face.
The things I face with on a daily bases is complicated. I’ve always said my life is complicated. Dealing with a battle of my mental health is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to face. I have to face having doubts, stress, anxiety, and depression. I mean I’m a college student, this is like a daily thing. If I face all these at the same time, it makes sick or makes me cry. I try not to cry, but there are days where it just gets to me and I have to let it out.
I struggle with thinking if I’ll ever good enough. I always have doubts about my life after I graduate college. Will I ever find a job in my career field? Will I ever to go to grad school? Am I gonna be financially stable before I’m 23 years old? Will I ever find someone? The list goes on. I’m only 21 years old, one year away from graduating and all of this goes through my head.
I constantly worry about how I’ll handle being out in the real world once I graduate. It’s scary to think about it. Almost everyday on the news or on social media I see that people are getting killed, job market not doing to well, issues with politics (I barely pay attention to. I have my own reasons why and I won’t share it), money problems, etc. Seeing all that worries me about my own future. Will I ever be able to live the lifestyle that I’ve dream/imagined?
I still have insecurities about myself. Most of it involves my looks. Even though for the past few months I’ve been dieting and working out, I don’t feel like I’m ever pretty enough. I feel like I’ll never be pretty enough or anything. I always dress according to my mood and/or comfort level. My hair is always up in a ponytail or with a big clamp. I don’t wear makeup as much. I only wear it if I have to. I’m the most insecure with my body. I’m happy that I’m dieting and working out, but I’m not satisfied. When someone complements me, I don’t feel like I believe them and I don’t ever believe in myself that I am pretty.
I live in a bubble where I feel like I can’t escape from it. If I even try or even want to escape there’s always going to be a way for me not to be able to that leaves me being fearful.
The happiest side of me is what I enjoy the most. I’m 1000% a people person. I love being around people. I just like being around people where I can get a good vibe from them. When I’m with my friends, I can be myself and not have to worry about my problems. They make laugh so hard that I end up crying laughing. My friends accept me for who I am. They don’t see me as a preacher’s daughter or anything. They just see Jasmine (me).
My type of hanging out with my friends is the basic route. I like going out to eat, shopping, going to a sporting event on campus, seeing a movie, or just simply spending time talking.
There are several fun things that I love doing:
I love reading. I love reading a good book and a good blog.
I am a huge sports fan. My favorite sport to watch is football I love to watch college and NFL. I’m that person who yells at my TV watching the game. Fun fact: I can name all 32 NFL teams in one sitting. I also love watching college basketball.
I love listening to music. I listen to songs from the 50s to today music. My favorite eras of music would be 90s and 2000s. So many classic throwbacks. Listening to music puts me in a great mood.
I enjoy watching a good movie. My type of movies I like to watch is action, comedy, romance, action-comedy, and romantic-comedy. I have several favorite movies.
My life has its flaws, but that’s how it is. I lost who I was when I was 14 and I struggle trying to find who I am. I tried everything that involves the word “self”. None of that never really helped me. This real me that I’ve described is how I am in person. I’m just a girl who wakes up early in the morning going to class, does class assignments and studies her butt off, works part-time on campus, has a bare minimum of time for herself, goes to sleep late at night, and repeats the same thing everyday. People make think they know the real me, but what little do they know.
“A strong woman knows how to keep her life in line. With tears in her eyes, she still manages to say ‘Nah. I’m fine.’”
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