For as long as I can remember, I’ve had insecurities. I’m so insecure about my looks and the shape of my body. I don’t have a pretty face and I don’t wear a size two.
How did all of this start for me to think like this? If you are a OG reader, then you know that a year ago I talked about how it happened. Long story short, I was bullied from 2nd to 7th grade by boys all the time. I was bullied about my looks, my height, and my size. I was called so many terrible things and they would do a lot to me that would embarrass me in front of everyone. I was called ugly a lot. I was often referred to “Rasputia”, the character from the movie “Norbit” because she was a big girl. The guys at school would make fart noises whenever I would pass by them and laugh at me. (This is me from the years I was bullied)
When I got to middle school, it got worse. I remembered having my bracelet stolen from me, being pushed for trying to depend for someone else who was getting picked on, and having a drink spilled on me on a bus ride home. So yeah. I had it bad. There was several times I’ve cried. Plus, those guys back then when they bullied me didn’t even know who I was. I was just a shy and quiet girl in class.
From high school to now is how long I’ve struggled with insecurities. I get jealous at other girls who are skinnier than me and wish I was that size. I would think that I would have to skinny and have a pretty face to fit in this world.
I wear a size 18-20 pair of jeans, size XL T-shirt, size XL basketball shorts, and size XL leggings. I don’t have a flat stomach, a hourglass figure, or a big butt. I’m a plus size girl. A lot of times I don’t like it. I workout almost everyday. I know what I eat is my problem, but I don’t really eat as much as you think I do. Now I eat at least less than 1800 calories a day. (Me now)
Being on social media now does make it a little bit harder. Especially the fact I put myself out there. I’ve been trolled several times by how I look, but I clapback in the classiest way possible. A perfect example, not too long ago on TikTok someone commented on my comment. I made a comment on another person’s video because I really liked it and everything. The next morning I wake up to this comment: with the way you’re looking you are getting no boyfriend. I clapped back saying: Oh you got jokes. Just wait and watch honey. They clapped back at me saying: Yeah. I actually do. I come back with another clapback that I think was pretty good: Let me explain something to you. I may not be pretty to you, but there are probably other men out there who find me pretty. So have several seats. After that I had enough. I didn’t want to keep going back and forth. That rest of day my self esteem was low. I really thought like am I not attractive to guys out here? Let me explain, on my TikTok I make content. Some of it is original and others are based on things I see trending. My original content is explaining things people get mixed up and confused about Louisiana. I don’t see how I’m brave enough to post on social media with the way I look. There is a lot behind this smile I have.
These insecurities that I have are no joke. This is 100% the truth. I don’t ever believe anyone who tells me that compliments me. No matter how much they really think I am, I don’t believe them. I don’t really feel like it. Whether I’m dressed up wearing makeup or I’m dressed in basketball shorts wearing no makeup. A lot of times I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. This is me and who I am. It’s sad that I still have to struggle with this as a young adult. The only that I can rely on to fit in is my personality. I’m someone who is a mix of a extrovert and introvert. I like to try new things, but sometimes I be unsure. I like to do fun things like go to the arcade, bowling, the mall, or play putt golf. Sometimes I just want to stay home and relax. Like watch a movie or play a video game. I like to have good clean fun. I’m someone who is different and unique. I embrace that. That’s the only flaw I embrace. I stand out more with that than anything I have.
I’m not someone who is perfect or who is the most beautiful person in the world. I’m just a girl from southeast Louisiana that has insecurities, but a personality that she wants people to see more of than her looks.