From a very young age, I’ve always been so insecure about my looks and my body. It would be so hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. From 2nd grade to 7th grade, I was constantly bullied everyday and it was always by guys. I was bullied for my looks, my body, and my height (I was taller than all the girls in my class). At that time I didn’t understand what was going on till I got to junior high. It got worse. Guys who were and weren’t in my grade made fun of me. Meaning who my age and who were much younger than me. Most of the guys that did bully me didn’t even know who I really was. I remember having a drink spilled on me, being pushed, called a lot of horrible names, and a lot of other different things that I don’t even want to say. I was always embarrassed. I can’t lie I did have suicidal thoughts for a short period of time.
By the time I got to 8th grade, I transferred schools and I was scared. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t fit in and I would get bullied again. But I ended up fitting in super well. I wasn’t bullied at all. When I started getting on social media and I would post pictures of myself that bit of insecurities came back. To this day when someone tells me that I’m pretty or beautiful I really don’t believe them. I think in my mind that there’s no way I’m that pretty compared to other girls. It was that I was so used to being called ugly and everything. I’ll admit I’m a thick girl. I have those thick thighs and that “muffin top”. I see these other girls who skinny and are so freaking beautiful. I always wish that I look like that.
Gaining my confidence back took a long time. I didn’t get it back till high school and I feel like I lost it when I started college. I used to be able to walk anywhere confident thinking in my mind I look good. Now it’s like I can’t. I see these other girls who look way prettier than me. It kind of brings me down.
Now as a young adult, I still struggle with insecurities. Especially being “in the public eye” (as a preacher’s daughter in my hometown), doesn’t make it any easier. It’s extremely hard. People watch my every move and I feel like if I mess up everyone will start talking making me look bad. I have to constantly work my butt off to still have the respect for my name.
Most of my insecurities consists of my looks, my body, how I dress, and how I act when I'm around people. Whenever I wear makeup, I only wear eyeshadow and mascara. I don’t own any foundation, concealer, eyeliner, or anything like that. The reason is that I just don’t want to look like a “hooker” wearing too much makeup. Whenever I put on the makeup I have, I think in the back of my head that I look good, but in reality I don’t. You see me post selfies of myself and I actually use the Snapchat filter to make myself look better. With my body and how I dress is the same problem. I’m a plus size girl and it’s hard to find clothes that fits me and my style. When it comes for dressing myself it’s extremely hard. It’s hard for me to find an outfit to wear when I go to class because I want to look presentable. Almost everyday I wear a t-shirt with blue jeans or shorts. My style consists of the business woman, the “cute” college girl, the “cute” tomboy, and the “dress my age”. The hardest one out of these is the dress my age. Especially being almost 21 makes it harder. I get mistaken to still be in high school or to be 24 years old. I don’t even have that one outfit that makes me feel good about myself.
I feel so pressured about my insecurities everyday because of an image and name I have to uphold. It’s like I have to fake my way through everything and I have to pretend. Deep down when I’m pretending I’m basically miserable and you can’t even tell. I’m just good at hiding that I am. I see girls who are around my age and/or the same size as me and they own who they are and don’t look insecure at all. I can’t ever seem to be that way. I’ve tried, but every time I fail. It really hurts being insecure. No matter how many times you tell me that I’m pretty, I won’t believe anyone.
If you tell a girl she’s beautiful, she’ll believe it for a moment. If you tell a girl she’s ugly, she’ll believe it for a lifetime.
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