I’ve always tried to be brave and not be afraid of anything. The thought of living in fear has me so scared. It’s scary to admit it because I don’t want to appear to be a weak person.
If we are talking about physical fears, I have a fear of spiders and snakes. I freak out any time I see them. I’ve had the fear of spiders for a couple of years. The reason is that my second year of college I got bitten by a spider on the top half of my ring finger on my left hand. It was so bad that my finger was purple and it was so hard to type my notes in class. So ever since then, I’ve had that fear of spiders. My fear of snakes has always been that way. I literally start screaming anytime I see a snake. I don’t care if it’s big or small I will freak out. So pretty much I have the have phobias. Arachnophobia (fear of spiders) and ophidiophobia (fear of snakes).
My mental fears to me are scarier than my physical fears. I have a fear of not being successful. I always feel that the hard work I do will never pay off and that I won’t be successful in life. A perfect example would be not being successful after I graduate from college. I want to graduate on time and have a job or job offer(s). I fear that one of them won’t happen. I constantly work my butt off day in and day out every day at school and I feel like none of it is paying off. It has me so afraid that I won’t succeed in life. I want to succeed in life to be able to achieve my dreams and goals.
Another fear is getting married really young. I’ve entered into my early 20s (I’ll be 21 in September) and I always feel conflicted about this. I told myself that I’m going to graduate from college, get a great job in my field, be financially stable by the time I’m 23 to 24 years old, and then get married by my mid to late-20s. That’s my plan. Sometimes I feel like being in my early 20s and in college that I shouldn’t even think about something like this. I also feel like that plan won’t fall through. I believe that God has a plan for me and I know that it’s different from mine. For me the reason why I fear this is because I’m seeing a lot of people around my age getting married really young. It makes me feel a bit pressured.
Fear of failure is another big fear of mine. Especially being in college I have a lot of pressure put on me. I want to please my parents and make them proud. I want to have to feel that I didn’t let them down. They tell me all the time that they are proud of me, but I don’t feel like I made them proud. In other words, I feel like not making myself proud to have that good feeling of making my parents proud. I just don’t want to let my parents down. I’m doing everything they wanted me to do. I’m not doing drugs, I’m not partying, I’m not messing around, I didn’t get pregnant, I’m not drinking, etc. They are a big part of my life and I want to be able to one get them out of the neighborhood we live in so they don’t have to worry or work another day in their life.
Admitting that I’m afraid is something that I never wanted to do. Not too long ago, I had a nightmare that I lost my mom (this was the second time that I had a dream like that). I wake up the next morning and my mom walks in my room and I burst into tears. I told her about the dream and I just hugged my mom tight. Right then I admitted to my mom that I’m scared about everything in life. She told me that it’s gonna be okay. Admitting to my mom that I’m scared was something I never thought I would do since I’ve been in college.
It's scary living in fear and being silent about it. It's hard to understand that it's okay to be afraid and that you don't have to be brave all the time. We all have our fears. It’s definitely hard to get someone to understand your fears. They may think that it’s nothing. It can be a serious problem for a person. Thinking about my fears makes me a bit emotional because of how scary it is. I just feel overwhelmed by it. Is being afraid of being afraid okay? Have you ever been afraid of being afraid?
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